Lost Control
by Thayne M
Summary: Cain uses his protectiveness as an excuse for the reasons he doesn't sleep at night. What will DG say when she figures out the truth? CainDG. R&R, please!


**Summary**: _**Cain uses his protectiveness as an excuse for the reasons he doesn't sleep at night. What will DG say when she figures out the truth? CainDG.**_

**Inspiration**: _**Once again, this was inspired by a song. "Lost Control," by Armchair Cynics--one of my favourite bands ever. Lyrics at the end.**_

**Disclaimer**: _**After a bottle of vodka, I own "Tin Man," Neal McDonough, Zooey Deschanel, and the entire Outer Zone...unfortunately, I'm sober right now, so I'm just another fangirl in possession of nothing but a computer and a Neal-dream. Damn sobriety!**_

---

He was up again, and he was the only one. Raw was curled up in a ball, using a tree root as a pillow, mouth opened and snoring lightly, like a kitten purring. Tutor had transformed into Toto and was in a curled in a tight ball next to his furry friend, letting out a low wheezy growl every so often, his back leg twitching. Glitch was a few feet away, sprawled out in three different directions, body going one way, head going another, and arms going somewhere completely different. About every ten minutes, he would shudder a little and jerk in a different direction with a small yelp, which probably had something to do with his misfiring synapses. With all of their noises and moving around, Cain should have been more concerned, but it was something to which he'd grown accustom over the past few nights. DG was the one who truly concerned him. She always slept a ways away from the group, but not so far that she couldn't be reached in a matter of seconds. She slept in one position the entire night, on her side, with her arms tucked neatly under her head and her legs bent slightly at the knee. She made no noise, even as she breathed, and Cain sometimes worried that she'd stopped breathing during the night, so he spent half of the time with his eyes glued to her back, making sure it rose and fell in pace. He didn't know how she could sleep so peacefully when he couldn't sleep at all.

Every time Cain closed his eyes, since his release from his tin suit, his breath stopped short. He either saw the images that had been played in front of him for fifteen annuals in that box, or he heard their screams, or he saw Zero's harsh face, or the open-end of a pistol. Sometimes, the images were different things he'd seen over his life--even over the past few days--but they were always enough to ward him from slumber, and he'd hardly slept at all since his liberation. He told the others that it was because he wanted to keep a lookout, not trusting any of them to stay awake for the whole night; he knew they wouldn't contest him.

The few times he had shut his eyes for a five minute nap, he did it away from the group, in case he happened to cry out. In those short dreams, he saw his wife and son being tortured, saw himself being shoved into that box, saw the same thing over and over again, but before waking, he always saw the same thing; DG. He saw her opening the suit and studying him with a shocked and concerned expression; concern for someone she'd never even met. He saw her helping him down to the water where he washed and standing up to him when he wanted to leave her behind. She was probably the strongest person he knew, because she was defiant, but also willing to give people second chances. That's what he needed most; a second chance.

When he watched her at night, to make sure she was still alive, he was also watching her dark hair move over the pale skin of her arms, and the gentle curve of her back, and the way the moonlight shone on her delicate cheekbones, under her thick eyelashes. He would watch her and try to assess his feelings; he had just found out that his wife was dead, and felt with some level of certainty that his boy was probably dead, too. He'd lost everything he ever truly cared for, so how could he move on so quickly? _Fool_, a little voice in his head told him, _You accepted them as dead fifteen annuals ago_;_ you've paid your dues in sorrows_. He knew it was true--he'd thought Adora and Jeb gone long ago--but could he really move on? Was that really the way it worked? Was he even _able _to feel for someone else?

"Unh," he was pulled out of his thoughts when DG shifted slightly, her brows drawn together and mouth shaped in a frown. She let out another low noise and Cain knew something was wrong. He watched as she rolled onto her back and her lips parted slightly, and she began breathing quickly, her hands twitching, clawing at the air. The man pulled himself up and walked to her side, kneeling down next to her and watching as a small tear traced its way down her temple and into her hair.

"DG," he whispered, "Hey. Princess."

"Unh, no," she whimpered in her dreams, "No, no." She looked as if she were being tortured.

Cain reached down and put one hand on her shoulder, causing her to shoot up with a small yelp and throw her arms around him, instantly burying her face in his neck, sobbing quietly. "Hey," he put one hand on the small of her back and the other on the base of her neck, whispering soothingly, "You're okay, kiddo; it was just a dream. You're okay, now; I've got you."

She sniffled and he could feel her eyelashes brushed against his neck as she opened her eyes, and she croaked, "Cain?"

"That's right, kid," he told her, still holding her close, trying to save her from whatever demons plagued her mind. "Want to tell me what it was?" He felt her shake her head frantically, her hair tickling his ears, and he nodded, "Okay, that's fine. Are you okay?" There was a pause, and then she nodded slowly against him and he let her go with an unfamiliar level of reluctance, and pulled back to look her in the eye. Her face was wet with tears and her hair was sticking up in places that would have been funny, were the situation not so serious. There was still a sadness in her eyes that hurt him just to see; she had always been so strong before, and he wasn't used to this weakness in her. "Can I do anything?"

She looked down, her voice low and shaky, "I don't want to go back to sleep."

He knew the feeling. He stood and reached out a hand to her, "Come on, then; you can keep watch with me." She took his hand and allowed him to lead her to the tree he'd been leaning against. He instructed her to lean against the opposite side as him, so they could watch in two different directions, but it was mostly because he didn't want to have to look at her and feel his already injured heart fall more and more into ruin.

There was a long silence; one of those silences that turns minutes into hours and hours into days until the entirety of existence is based on the things people aren't willing to say. Cain wasn't sure how long they sat, backs on opposite sides of the great oak tree, before DG finally spoke, her voice a bare whisper, "I'm failing."

Cain lifted his head and whispered back, "Failing what?"

She sniffled, and he knew she was close to crying again, "This thing; this _mission_, or whatever it is. I'm failing."

"You're not," he insisted.

"Yes, I am," she argued, "Cain, take a step back and look around; I'm not saving anyone. I'm killing people. People who tried to help me, or people who got caught in the crossfire of something I started when I let go of Azkadellia's hand; they're all dead, and its because of me. I haven't done anyone any good by being here."

There was a pause, and then Cain rolled his eyes and scoffed, "That's stupid?"

His tone startled her, "What?"

"DG," he sighed, "If that's what you really think, then... well, you're not as strong, or as smart, as I thought you were." He craned his neck around and could just barely see the side of her, "You saved Glitch from the longcoats, and Raw from the _papay_, and me," he closed his eyes, "If you hadn't opened that box, I'd still be watching Zero torture my family. And what about the Mystic Man? He died, but he died _himself_; clean and conscious and full of hope--you did that. You've helped more than you know, and if you can't see that, you're blind."

Another silence, shorter than the other, but more tense; Cain was letting too much show, and he knew it. He wasn't supposed to be a man of feeling; it just wasn't him. A few seconds went by, and he could almost hear DG smile, "Thank you," she told him. Yet another silence fell between them before she asked the question he'd hoped she would never ask, "Cain, why don't you sleep?"

He tensed, but tried to brush it off, "I keep watch."

"Yeah, but," she said slowly, "You _never_ sleep, at least not more than a few minutes. You're always tired; I can tell, no matter how much you try to hide it."

"I'm fine."

There was a rustling as she moved around the tree to sit next to him, but he never looked up, not wanting her to see the lies in his eyes. "What do you dream about?"

This startled him, "Huh?"

"Come on," she said in the gentlest of voices, no doubt staring him down with those two, wide blue eyes of hers, "What's so bad that you won't let yourself sleep?" When he didn't answer, she prompted, "Cain, I already know your secret, so you might as well tell me the whole thing."

"Why?" He said sharply, eyes still fasted to the ground, "Why should I divulge my life to you?"

Without missing a beat, she replied, "Because I want you to. Because I care."

He sighed, cursing the way everything she said seemed to make sense, "I don't sleep because..." he cleared his throat and looked up at the moon, wide and round, "Because I killed my family." He stopped.

"Cain?" She prompted.

He wetted his lips, which had become dry and cracked, "I knew that when I joined the resistance, I was taking a huge risk--putting my _family_ at risk--but I did it anyway."

"Because it was the right thing to do," DG reasoned.

"But I didn't think about them first," he snapped, making Glitch jerk in his sleep, but not wake. Cain dropped his voice down and continued through clenched teeth, "No man should do that; no man should put anything before his family. I could have taken it; I could have just been silent and protected them, instead of rebelling and putting them right in the line of fire. What kind of husband does that to his wife? What kind of father does that to his child? What kind of man am I?"

DG bit her lip, and then tentatively reached out and took Cain's hand in hers, squeezing it gently, making him look at her, his eyes glazed over. She gave him a knowing look and said, "A _good_ man. You did what you did so that the O.Z. would be better for your family, and so they wouldn't have to suffer for the rest of their lives--so they wouldn't have to live in fear. Even if it took a turn for the worse, you did what you did for them, and you can't blame yourself for what happened." She moved a little closer and put her other hand on top of his, completely enclosing it in her grasp, "This is your second chance; finish what you started. For Adora. For Jeb. If you wallow, and you blame yourself, you're never going to be able to finish what you set out to do, and that's the only way you could really hurt them."

Cain stared at her. She was right; if he didn't save the O.Z., then it was all for nothing, and his family's death was in vain. But if he kept on--if he stayed with DG and the others--he would be remembering them and honouring them in the best way that he could. At the same time, he realized that DG was right in saying that giving up was the only way he could bring harm to his family, because surely all they needed was the be loved and remembered. He didn't need to hold on to his past. He didn't need to be afraid to move forward.

He brought his free hand up to cup the side of DG's neck and he slowly drew her forward, gently, giving her time to pull back if she had an objection. When she didn't, his heart began to pound so loudly that it echoed in his ears and he pressed his lips against hers in the lightest of ways that made it feel more like a figment of his imagination. It wasn't enough. He looked into her eyes only for a moment, and they were wide with wonder and excitement, and then he pressed his lips against hers again, this time applying enough pressure to really mean something, and she kissed back with the same intensity, pulling one hand away from his to drag her palm down his chest. His tongue snaked over his bottom lip and she opened her mouth to him, allowing their tongues to meet in a tantalizing dance that lit them both with so strong a feeling they didn't realize they could actually feel. She moaned lightly into his voice, sending a shiver through him, awakening every nerve in his body, all of them reaching out to the girl in his embrace. He didn't want this to end. This was what he needed; _this _was his second chance.

"Yes, my queen." Cain and DG both jumped and seperated, afraid that one of their companions had awaken to witness their passionate impromptu. They looked over and saw Glitch twitching on the ground, "Yes, my queen," he repeated, "Yes, my queen. Yes, my queen. Yes, my--"

"He malfunctions sometimes," Cain told DG, surprised to find his voice low and raspy. He cleared his throat and reached out one booted foot to nudge Glitch in the leg. His loop was cut short and he went back to a still sleep. Cain looked at DG and they stared at each other for a few moments, both trying to assess what had just occured.

"So, um," DG said, biting her lip, "Where do we go from here?"

Cain thought for a moment before smirking a little and putting his long jacket up to cover the both of them, "To sleep." And they did, both drifting peacefully, not to wake until the suns rose.

---

**A/N**:

**Okay, I know, I know--they are both a little out of character at times, and I apologize for that! Please don't kill me! ...Remember to R&R, please!**

**And now, lyrics!**

**"Lost Control" by Armchair Cynics**

_**Come clean  
Why are you awake while I'm asleep?  
Does the guilt eat away at your sensibilities?  
Your little secret will find no shelter here  
With me**_

Are you slowly losing your mind  
Or have you  
Lost control  
You've lost control  
You've lost ability to know your wrong from right  
You've lost control  
Lost control  
You've lost control

Come clean  
Why are you awake while I'm asleep?  
The space between the folds within the sheets  
Are valleys you won't cross to get to me  
I fear

That you are slowly losing your mind  
Or have you  
Lost control   
You've lost control  
You've lost ability to know your wrong from right  
You've lost control  
Lost control  
You've lost control

You think I don't know but I know your little secret   
You think I don't know but I know your little secret  
Your secret, your secret  
Secret

Lost control  
You've lost control  
You've lost ability to know your wrong from right  
You've lost control  
Lost control  
You've lost control  
Control 

Come clean  
Why are you awake while I'm asleep?  
Does the guilt eat away at your sensibilities?  
Your little secret will find no shelter here  
With me


End file.
